So a month on from my last blog and a lot has happened……
Firstly Thumbs up to MY anxiety for giving me a welcome R&R period, only 1 incident in over 4 weeks. Though I have to question why?
MY normal nemesis of Anxiety has been consistent in its perseverance in being involved in my life, never a week has gone by where its impact has been sledge hammered upon me. So 1 episode in 4 weeks will be seen as a massive positive to many people. To me, Yes……… and no.
I have accepted that MY anxiety will be part of who I am for the rest of my life, I’m not looking for sympathy, I am embracing fact. I have learned coping techniques and strategies to help my with this, however I will not allow naivety to try and convince me that only 1 episode in 4 weeks, is the beginning of a cure, its not and won’t be.
Its great that I have had a relatively relaxed time of late but is this the calm before a possible storm? Maybe. Maybe not. If I overthink the negative then a storm will brew and explode bringing me a world of panic and pain. If I focus on the latter then my mind will put up its umbrella of protection and shelter me, yes I may get a little bit of the storm but that’s life and that’s MY Anxiety.
So why only 1 episode of late?
There is no definitive answer to this, well in my mind there isn’t. There is however factors, factors that have maybe contributed to my recent release of pressure from MY Anxiety.
There is the factor of living closer to my daughter, this itself feels like the positive remedy for everything. Also my social interaction has increased, I am on the doorstep of my friends and I am now becoming a prominent piece in social circles. Work is going very well after past hiccups.
So all of these have happened in the last 4 weeks, coincidence? fate? Cure?……. there is 100s of possible reasons for why things have improved. I am not committing to any of these possible reasons, I’m a just accepting the simple statement of ‘improvement in my quality of life’
Ok so now Thumbs down (literally)
I will share with you my 1 episode of late, it was a tough one, a bad one, an unpleasant one, will I tell you the full story? Probably not.
3 weeks ago I badly broke my thumb playing cricket. Due to the nature of the injury, it involved some time off work, this led to more time on my own. MY Anxiety sensed this and like a predator it began slowly hunting me.
After a few days of mild Anxiety, I had reached the weekend. Normally a time where my social activity explodes, full days of playing cricket and time with my daughter. My thumb was in a cast, preventing me from taking part in sport, my daughter had family commitments elsewhere. I found myself being forced to my bedroom, I couldn’t face the big open space of my living room, I needed solitude and protection. The bedroom door was shut, the blackout blinds were pulled down and I was awaiting the imminent attack.
Strangely I managed to fall asleep, something I have had lack of ability doing of late. Then it happened. I awoke. I couldn’t breathe, made worse by the darkness, I was shaking but I couldn’t physically move, I knew what I had to do, I just couldn’t. I was wrestling frantically with the bedding but at the same time I felt I was lying still. The manic level of confusion and panic were causing my body do things I have never experienced. I was petrified and humiliated. Then as quickly as it attacked, it stopped. I was exhausted and spent the full day in bed.
Only 48 hours later, I felt great. It was like it never happened.